“We found Jacob in the morning. The guys thought it would be funny. Sneak in, then see how many dicks they could sharpie onto his face before Jacob woke up swearing. It took three before Jose realized their canvas wasn’t breathing.
“I was finishing a bagel when I heard them. It was one of those gourmet ones, with fancy flavored cream cheese that comes in tubs. Really good, the bread toasted just enough to be crispy on the edges with honey-whipped topping. So Jose and Mark come barreling down the stairs, each yelling over each other. I couldn’t even tell what they were saying at first.
“Alexis came down the stairs then, hearing the guys. Eventually, Jose managed to spit it out, someone had strangled Jacob. That’s when the lights went out, later I’d find a timed switch on the breaker in the basement. Whoever did this, they’re smart.
“Anyway, I finished my bagel and almost got another, I wanted to try the chive spread and no one was eating them. Alexis, Mark, and Jose were freaking out, which I totally get. We were miles away from the next cabin in the snow, someone had stolen all our phones in the night, and the SUV wouldn’t start, I checked.
“That’s when Mark decided to take a shower, which seriously? Has the guy ever seen a horror movie? But apparently drawing genitalia on a dead friend’s face makes you feel gross. There was so much blood when Alexis found him.
“After that Jose and Alexis lost it, accusing each other, me. It was mess. Even more so when Alexis tried to run outside. She wouldn’t listen to us and then… she was in pieces. Razorwire, strung across the doorframe.
“Someone devious was hunting us. Jose picked up a knife, and I grabbed the rest of the bagels. Those gourmet ones last for a couple days if you put them in a bag, and these were super fresh. Like, I could have eaten them all weekend probably. So with supplies and a weapon, we barricaded ourselves in the basement.
“Jose was so sweet, he kept telling me that he’d protect me, and that we’d make it through this together. Except, I think he was distracted when the killer smashed his head open with a tire iron. It happened right in front of me, that’s why his blood is like, all over my clothes.
“I had to run, and I lost the killer, but I also…lost the killer. I didn’t know where they were, only that they were stalking me through this dark murder cabin my friends had rented. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I burnt it down.
“The neighbors saw the fire, and while it sucks that all the evidence is completely burnt clean, at least I got away. And I know you want me to stay in town for questioning, and I fully intend to, but the killer is probably still out there. They never die, and this one, was smart. If I mysteriously vanish, I think everyone knows what happened.”
Scandal! A murder most foul! Creatures, Critters and Crawlers challenged the thieves this week to steal something important is on fire and bagels.